Taking Care of Mom and Dad: Psychological Effects
Transferring authority isn't all about mechanics. Planning well in advance of a major illness or mental incapacity can avoid psychological and emotional problems.
Some psychologists argue that the effect of family politics on an older parent can be similar to the anxiety children feel when their parents divorce. Your parents might also get angry -- though their anger is that their children are fighting.
Family battles over authority and control often begin when one family member petitions the court to have a parent declared incompetent. That can take away the parent's ability to enter into contracts -- including living wills and powers of attorney -- make out a will or sign legal papers. If those agreements are quashed, control of the parent's money is usually placed in the hands of a trustee or guardian.
This process subjects the parent to scrutiny from a panel of doctors to determine competency, meetings with lawyers and guardians and court hearings. It's not a pleasant experience.
If declared incompetent, your parents may have to depend on the guardian to pay their bills and give them pocket money, something that can be especially difficult for a parent who has had a successful business career.
Aside from psychic scars, the battles between children and siblings over a parent's money also can drain the very accounts that are there to provide some financial stability for the elder parent.
Mental capacity is one of the thorniest issues facing families with older parents. And it comes to a fine point for most families when documents like powers of attorney and living wills need to be executed. Judging capacity is often complicated by the fact that your parents' sight and hearing may have deteriorated -- which can make a person seem impaired, even if he or she isn't.
Assessing capacity is even more difficult when judges and lawyers have to make judgments about a person for whom they have no benchmarks or experience. One solution is to contact your parent's physician to get a professional opinion, though in most cases your parent must consent to this.
It's even more complicated when family politics and emotions cloud people's perspectives.
When things turn ugly within a family, the interests of siblings, children, spouses...ex-spouses...and others can be difficult to bring together. This complexity has become even more common in an era when family members are scattered around the country or the world.
If you are the child who has stepped up to care for your parents, you are certainly aware of their desires and their mental capacity. Your siblings, uncles, aunts and in-laws may not be. Plans that you have made with your parents might seem right to you -- but look like undue influence or manipulation to the rest of them.
Family members who haven't been as close to your parents as you have will often feel free to make quick assumptions about hard decisions. Emotional charges that a power of attorney means you're "packing mom off to a nursing home" can begin a grinding erosion of carefully-made plans.
For all of these reasons, it's critically important that your parents carefully draft the mechanisms for transferring authority. And it's important that you have a professional review the documents. As much as anything, what you're paying for when you hire a lawyer to look over a power of attorney or living will (and the same thought applies to regular wills) is an outsider's perspective on the tone and content of the agreements.
