Taking Care of Mom and Dad: Lifestyle Adjustments Introduction
When I got the call that Mom had had another accident, I knew it was time for us to come to terms with the whole driving situation. This was the second time she'd mistaken the accelerator for the brake pedal. Good thing she didn't hit anyone. But the car was smashed up. And she could have hurt herself -- had she not been in that huge Cadillac. When I told her that I wasn't going to help with the repair bills because I didn't think she should drive anymore, she was seething. Besides, just keeping up with the gasoline was getting tough for her. It was tough, but I held firm.
We can discuss the mechanics of managing your parents' finances and other affairs for hundreds of pages and miss the basic issue that lies underneath the tension so many people feel: Getting older means people have to change their lifestyles. And many fight this reality as hard as they can.
In many cases, you can help your parents as much by easing them into lifestyle adjustments as by managing their finances well. Easing people into lifestyle changes can be more difficult. Balancing your mom's checkbook is a black-and-white process; convincing her that she shouldn't be driving anymore...or that she needs to move out of her house...requires an artful mix of strength and diplomacy.
These matters are tough for many reasons. Old people cling to activities and surroundings as their hedge against encroaching illness and death. American culture emphasizes independence and personal autonomy as essential elements to a good life. Happiness often comes with being able to do things for yourself -- dress, drive, cook, bathe, shop, plan and make important decisions. When it becomes hard to do basic lifestyle chores like fixing breakfast or going shopping, frustration and depression can set in.
Sons and daughters often shy away from making critical suggestions because they fear the reversal of parent/child roles that becomes inevitable as parents age. If it's time to tell Dad to stop driving, it's time to face a lot of issues about life and death.
In this chapter, we'll consider the various lifestyle adjustments that advanced age requires...and some tactics for easing your parents through them. The process can be difficult and often includes evaluating how your parents spend money, where it all goes...and where it needs to go in order for them to continue to live comfortably. But it's as important as any of the other help you give your parents. It may be time for you to take on a new role in their lives.
