Taking Care of Mom and Dad: Driving
Driving serves a useful metaphor for all of the changes that occur to family dynamics as your parents get older.
Transportation can be challenging to an older person's ability to live independently. Some people remain good drivers into their nineties. Others face physical problems that can make driving unsafe.
But cars can have more than just a psychological meaning. Public transportation systems, whose routes and schedules are often designed to take people to work rather than to stores, medical appointments or visits to friends, often don't meet the needs of older people. In many communities, driving a car is essential, because there are few or no alternative forms of transportation.
Hanging over all of this: The reality that physical and other changes associated with aging can affect your parents' ability to drive safely.
Older parents and adult children often see driving issues differently. You might think it's a simple matter of safety and common sense; but your parents may resent having their driving ability questioned. Underneath the resentment, they may realize that their reflexes aren't as sharp as they used to be; but they worry that, by giving up or limiting their driving, they'll restrict their daily lives and become dependent on others.
Older drivers have a low frequency of accidents and fatalities overall, but a higher rate of accidents and fatalities per mile driven (second only to that of drivers ages 16 to 24). Drivers over age 70 number about 18 million today, up from about 13 million a decade ago. Individuals over 65 are the most likely to die in car wrecks, according to the National Highway Traffic Safety Administration (NHTSA).
Age alone cannot predict fitness behind the wheel. Driving skills vary enormously among individuals. In general, these skills begin to decline at about age 55. While no scientific data supports the need to reassess driving ability on the basis of age alone, poor eyesight, hearing loss, slower reaction times and reduced muscle strength and flexibility that many older people experience can affect driving ability.
When older people decide to give up driving, other issues surface, like how to get around and how to ask for help. Some may have no one to ask for rides. Family may be far away and friends may no longer drive as well.
You can help your parents continue to drive safely, assess abilities realistically, and -- if necessary -- find alternative sources of transportation. The first step: Try to make an objective assessment of your parents' driving abilities. Recent accidents or traffic tickets could signal a problem. Observe their abilities by driving with them or asking someone else to observe. This will give you information so you can be specific when you discuss the situation. Watch for such things as:
- changing lanes without signaling;
- going through stop signs or red lights;
- slow reaction times;
- problems seeing road signs or traffic signals;
- straying into other lanes;
- going too fast or too slow for safety;
- problems making turns at intersections (especially left turns); and
- jerky stops or starts.
But, if they're driving like this, how should you respond? Like when you're dealing with money matters, you want to avoid the two extremes -- harsh criticism and condescending happy talk. Be sensitive to the fact that their sense of independence (or, perhaps more to the point, their fears of humiliating dependence) are tied up in their ability to get around. More specifically:
- Avoid criticizing them or making them feel attacked.
- Express positive and supportive feelings for them.
- Talk about ideas you have for keeping them on the road, rather than demanding that they give up driving. Suggest that they avoid driving in difficult situations (night time, bad weather). This is easier to face than stopping completely.
- Provide reinforcement to correct shortcomings and overcome fears.
- Be understanding if your parent resists change.
- Just talking about the issue can help you gradually work toward better answers.
And, as with other matters, focus on the mechanics. Literally.
Make sure your parents' cars are in good shape. Specifically:
- Can your father still see easily over the dashboard?
- Do your mother's feet reach the pedals easily?
- Are the steering wheel, mirrors and seats adjusted properly?
- Are windows and mirrors free of clutter?
- Is the car in safe operating condition?
If your parents are agreeable, AARP has a skills assessment booklet you can order. You can also check with local colleges or universities, occupational therapists, hospitals, outpatient rehabilitation facilities or the American Automobile Association (AAA).
If reaction time is slowing, a driver should allow more space between his or her car and the one in front. He or she can also avoid driving during peak traffic times or in crowded areas. Driver refresher courses or even behind-the-wheel driver education courses, such as the AARP 55 ALIVE/Mature Driving Program, are other options.
Encourage habits that make for safer driving. Some of those habits include:
- Avoiding night driving, rush hour and being on the road in bad weather.
- Limiting trips to shorter distances.
- Planning and knowing the route in advance.
- Having regular medical checkups, including hearing and vision.
- Exercising regularly to maintain strength and flexibility.
- Making sure medications don't interfere with alertness or ability to drive.
- Avoiding potential vision problems, such as tinted windshields and windows.
Include your parents as an active part of all discussions and decisions. Your parents should feel that you respect their ability to direct their own lives. The motivation to change must come from them, both for their safety and for your relationship.
Involve others if driving is dangerous and your parents refuse to make changes to stop driving. A doctor, a member of the clergy or a family friend may be able to help. As a last resort, you can contact the local Department of Motor Vehicles and report unsafe driving. Most states will contact older adults, have them take a driving test, and, if necessary, revoke their license.
All states ask driver's license applicants if they have certain health problems that could impair driving. For a "yes" answer, the applicant may be sent to a physician. Or a medical board may decide if driving restrictions are needed.
Although states are taking more steps to keep roads safe for everyone, most find that imposing driving restrictions based on age is politically difficult.
Elderly parents with serious physical or mental impairments who still are driving are a big problem for their adult children. There are about 27 million drivers older than 65 in the U.S., a number expected to double by 2030.
Taking the keys from mom or dad is a wrenching experience that often signals the start of a role-reversal for parent and child. So, how do you do this difficult task? You start by talking...and you keep talking. Most importantly, don't turn away once your parents give up the keys. That's when your assistance really becomes critical:
- Help parents who no longer drive find other means of transportation.
- Work with your parents to identify what public, private and community transportation services are available.
- Consider how your parents might get rides and pitch in when it's possible.
- Talk about what they might do for someone else in exchange for transportation.
- Find out about any discount or reduced rate programs for older adults.
