Taking Care of Mom and Dad: Clear Communication Is Important

Obviously, a living will is a device for communication between your parents and their doctors. So, they work best when they are part of a pattern of communication.

It's important that your parents discuss their health care preferences with their providers. No matter how busy the doctor, no matter how stressed the HMO, make sure your parents have spoken at least once with their primary physician about what they want.

Frankly, a doctor is more likely to honor requests that have been communicated directly. And he or she may be able to help your parents phrase their requests in a way that makes sense to physicians in their group or area.

Perhaps most importantly, their doctor can point out inconsistencies in your parents' requests. Sometimes, refusing one kind of treatment makes it illogical to expect to receive another.

This need for clear communication applies to family members, too. Even though your parents' living will tried to anticipate every situation, the stream of actual events may not fit their assumptions. So, it's important that family members know what they want.

You may be able to clarify or extend your parents' wishes, if you can recall the context of specific conversations.

Another benefit of discussion with family members is the avoidance of unpleasant scenes and confrontations when your parents are incapacitated. While family members may have little legal authority to make decisions for incapacitated patients, they often feel they have moral authority. They may be confused by statements not previously shared with them, and may even try to contest your parents' wishes legally if they feel the choices are not in their best interest.